Call Girl
By Trevor Cole

It seems each day brings news of fresh carnage in the telecommunications sector. Most recently, Teleglobe Inc., burdened by a $6-billion debt, crawled into the Ontario Superior Court to file for bankruptcy protection. Before that it was Global Crossing Ltd. and Vancouver’s 360networks Inc. who slunk shame-faced before a judge, not to mention the endless stream of telecom companies whose rising valuations were driven by an assumption of endless riches to be made servicing an apparently limitless demand for long-distance calling and internet communications services, and who were felled by that demand’s sudden collapse.

Since the bubble first broke, analysts have wondered anxiously about the cause. Was it a glut of competitors? A shift in the economic winds? A sudden loss of consumer confidence?

Turns out it was none of these. Among experts now there’s widespread agreement that the collapse in the demand for telecommunications capacity can be tied directly to the return of Becky Meyer’s boyfriend.

“Josh came home,” said Becky, on the phone from her second-floor bedroom in Oakville, Ont. “So I didn’t need to call or e-mail him any more.”

Josh Harding, an 18-year-old junior hockey player, spent two years, from early 1999 to early 2001, in the coastal town of Turku, Finland, as a right winger for the Ylempi Harmaalokki (Superior Herring Gulls). During that same period, international fibre optic traffic showed a dramatic rise in its rate of growth. It was that increase that led countless companies and their stockholders to bet their futures on the notion that the demand had no ceiling.

“I really missed him,” said Becky simply. “He’s totally cute.”

Harding returned to Oakville when the Ylempi Harmaalokki became disenchanted with his sub-par puck-handling skills. Since then he has played for the Mississauga Ice Dogs, and the telecommunications sector has been devastated.

“There’s no way to precisely quantify the impact of the Becky Meyer factor, but it’s huge,” said Rick Blessing, a noted sector analyst. “Nortel? Global Crossing? JDS Uniphase? When you look closely at the underlying metrics, it’s really all down to Becky.”

When asked, the 16-year-old Meyer, who favours bright pink hair extensions and the hip hop sounds of Bigalow Banji, seemed not to appreciate the vast economic implications of her phone and internet habits. “We just talked about Ally McBeal and French fries and stuff.” she said. “I didn’t think they’d base an industry on it.” Was she sorry about single-handedly dashing the hopes and fortunes of so many? “I guess so,” she said. “But it’s Josh’s fault too.”

Indeed, when it comes to the Becky Effect, it’s seems there’s no shortage of blame to go around. A number of analysts now see a link between the faltering earnings of wireless communications companies and Becky’s erratic cell-phone usage, an instability tied directly to the level of tidiness of Becky’s room.

“Sometimes I just can’t find my phone,” said Becky. “I’ve got clothes everywhere.” Here, however, the blame is falling squarely on the shoulders of Sharon Meyer, Becky’s Mom, who in the eyes of many has failed to exert the appropriate pressure on Becky to pick up after herself.

“You try telling a 16-year-old anything,” said a testy Mrs. Meyer in response to persistent criticism. “Isn’t it enough we paid our phone bill?”

With the root cause clearly established, leading telecom experts have now turned their attention to finding a solution in time to save an industry. One avenue has already been explored, and abandoned – trying to convince the Ylempi Harmaalokki of Turku to put Josh Harding back on their playing roster.

“No way,” said coach Olli Lauksonnen through an interpreter. “This guy is no shooting, no passing. Just bang, bang, falling down on puck.” Harding’s skill level, it should be noted, was deemed no impediment to his playing with the Mississauga Ice Dogs.

But even if some other way were found to get Harding overseas, there’s no guarantee that Becky Meyer’s affections for him would last long enough to resurrect, let alone sustain, a multi-billion-dollar industry. “I’m not sure we can count on this 16-year-old staying googly-eyed for, let’s face it, a pretty bad hockey player,” said Rick Blessing. “She might fall for some kid two blocks away and end up talking to him on the front porch.” Still, noting that stock-market balloons have risen on flimsier bets, Blessing admitted, “We might have to risk it.”

In the meantime, investors looking for reason to cheer are taking heart from Becky Meyer’s new hobby – digital photography. “Given what we know, I don’t think it’s a surprise that digital photography has taken off recently,” said Andrew Harkenen, a consumer electronics analyst.

“When Becky Meyer is into something, she’s really into it.”